Lists. I’ve maybe mentioned how I like them? Like, a lot? Well, I do. All kinds. Even to do lists. My favourite ap on my iPhone (other than my iPod, of course; music > lists) is the note pad. It allows me to keep multiple lists on me at all times. Bliss.
So, tonight I have a pretty long to do list. Groceries, dinner, call my friend J, laundry, text everyone I said I’d get back to on how my job interview went today (details here once there are any to share, I promise!), throw the ingredients for my favourite soup (roasted carrot and shallot) into the crock pot where they can get down with their slow cookery bad selves overnight . . . plus I’m pretty sure I have some bills to get nauseous over pay.
But even though it never made it onto one of my lists (somethings are to personal to be “to do listed”), before I tackle all of that I need pay attention to the voice in the back of my head reminding me that I’ve been wanting to do something for my friend M, who I’ve been thinking about a lot these last few days. She’s the one who got me into blogging, and so I can think of no better way to send her some love than to dedicate this post to her. She impresses me on a daily basis and I just wanted to take a moment to recognize that. And to thank her.
When I got back from my month in Europe I posted about what a wreak I was before leaving. And I alluded to having been an even bigger wreak last fall when my ex and I first split. M was one of the first people that I was able to talk to about that. Once I finally got the the point of being able to talk about it. Her reaction when I found the words to explain that the reason I had cancelled our plans so many times over the fall was because I couldn’t handle human contact was perfect. She didn’t judge, didn’t press, just listened. She made me feel like it wasn’t all that bizarre to admit I had faced numerous days where getting off the couch was next to impossible.
She was also great as I started doing better. Made time to hang out with me last winter as I faced the brave new world of living in a four bedroom house by myself, listened to me as I talked my way through to the reality that I could not, in fact, handle that, and would have to sell the place.
And then, one day, she started cancelling plans. And then, one day, I started going under again. And then suddenly last spring, we were the blind leading the blind. Or, to be frank, the depressed leading the depressed. It would almost have been funny if it wasn’t so sad. She’d call me to ask me how I was doing and end up crying. I’d call her to make sure she didn’t shut out the world entirely only to end up talking about how I just wanted to crawl back into bed and ignore everything.
If you’ve been following my blog over the last few months, you know that I am now doing much better. Would even go so far as to say I’m happy. Not “stop seeing my therapist monthly” happy, but all in all feeling pretty good about life these days.
M’s doing better too, although we both still have plenty of ups and downs. But even when she hits a down she still impresses the hell out of me with how amazing a friend she is to me as I struggle to find and maintain a new normal amidst all the changes I’ve been through over the last year.
As I finish this post it is going on 10 pm and I haven’t even started the soup. Me a year ago, that woman who couldn’t get off the couch, might have added that to the list of things I suck at right now. But me now, me who has people in my corner like M, is finally in a place where I don’t let myself think like that anymore. In a place where I can accept that not getting everything right, that having some bad days mixed in with the good, is okay. It’s good enough for now. M, thanks for helping me get to here. And for letting me be part of your journey. You’re doing good enough yourself, my dear. I hope this in some small way helps you connect with that.