I turn 32 this Sunday.

My feelings about this are mixed.

Part of me feels content. With the journey so far. With the me I am right now and would not be without having lived each of the 31-years that have led me to this moment.

Another part of me feels sad.

With the reality of dreams not yet realized. With the gulf between where I am, and where I want to be. At 32.

This emotional contradiction I am experiencing, this mingling of seemingly opposite perspectives inside of me, is, as you might imagine, a not altogether pleasant state.

In particular for someone like me. Lover of lists. Lover of order.

I want to pick an emotion and run with it.

“Survey says the number one emotion is . . .”.

I don’t like tie games.

But I am also a lover of silver linings.

Of finding meaning in madness.

My challenge to myself this year has been to live more in the now.

Using the rationale offered by that commitment, I want very badly to embrace contentment as my now emotion. To label the sadness (dissatisfaction) as my future based emotion. An example of my what’s next mentality casting judgement on where I am based on where I want to be. I want to give myself permission to discard it.

But is that really the right path? A proper interpretation of living in nowness?

I think my silver lining is the fact I’m even asking myself this. That I’ve reached a level of awareness inside of which I am able to question whether living in the moment necessarily requires that I ignore my thoughts about where I want to go. And how I’m progressing towards those goals.

Perhaps the better path is to figure out how to balance such conflicting emotions. To recognize that regardless of the timeframe they are associated with, both represent this moment for me. Are markers of me at 32. Whether they reflect satisfaction or longing.

Silver lining #2? Figured out a way to “list-ify” this lesson 🙂

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