It’s not about control.
Really, it isn’t.
Some may talk about it in the context of power, or compare it to a George Costanza-like strategy of gaining the “upper hand,” but it’s really not about those things for me.
As someone who dealt with (often poorly) my fair share of rejection growing up, for me it’s really about loving myself.
About truly embracing that I am enough.
I am more than enough.
I am, in fact, amazing.
So amazing, that I believe doing my fair share of the work to turn a new acquaintance into a friend, an already close friend or family member into a “go to” confidant, or a new crush into a date, is enough.
And if it isn’t, well, then I invoke the principle of non-chasing.
I’m not always terribly effective at this.
Particularly with people I was once close with who start to pull away.
I tend to keep reaching out long after my “principle of non-chasing spidey sense” starts to tingle.
Because big heart.
Because sensitive to rejection.
But eventually, and lately sooner rather than later, I remind myself that there are loads of awesome people in my life who are ready and willing to meet me half way . . . and some of them even more than half way (though going too far in the opposite direction is not necessarily a good thing . . . I’m all about balance these days).
From this reminder, I find strength to invoke the principle. Not from a place of ego or bitterness, but out of an act of loving kindness to myself.
So, why am I writing about this now?
Well, if you read my last post then you know that I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately
Given I’m pondering mounting a come back after a bit of a hiatus, plus wasn’t particularly good at it to begin with (I’m right now on the cusp of my three year single-versary . . . so yeh), I’ve been enlisting the advice of some good friends to help with the transition.
ADG is someone who I liked almost instantly when I first met her. I believe the first compliment I paid to her on maybe about the third day of us knowing each other was something along the lines of, “I’m glad you’re smart.”
And she is.
Wicked smart, that girl.
So when she tells me I need to stay firm on the principle of non-chasing with any guy I might be interested in, I listen.
And when she reminds me that if a guy is genuinely interested in me, he’ll let me know by meeting me half way, I feel grateful to have someone so wise in my life.
But when I start to think about what my 50% should look like with someone I’m genuinely interested in. . . my brain turns to mush.
So, here’s what I’ve decided.
I will not chase.
I’ve done that before, and learned the hard way that rationales like, “maybe he’s just really shy” make no sense for someone like me who really doesn’t find shyness a hugely attractive quality to begin with.
So, no, I will not chase.
I will, however, not hold back from being my true self out of a desire to hold firmly at 50%.
It just so happens I am a warm and generous person.
I care easily.
If I break the 50/50 split from time to time in the process of just being me . . . well, so be it.
So long as I act from a place of accepting that I am enough.
That I am, in fact, amazing.
Then it’s all good.
And hopefully, the world will give me back what I am offering: someone who can hold steady at 50/50 when that makes sense, accept my 60/40 when I’m feeling the need to express my generosity, and give me 60/40 when I feel the need to be taken care of.